20100118-1147 🔈

AI generated transcript:

It is January 18th, 1140 7:00 AM I am at the Citadel in Amman. Jordan and I earlier recorded what I thought was a really good audio journal, and then I found out it got. Or cut itself off. So this is my attempt to redoing it. Hopefully this one will save successfully, but we'll see. So I've been thinking about the whole trip.

And how it's been unfolding in my mind. Of course, I'm still kind of in reactionary mode, reaction mode. I'm looking for a proper response that honors everything that went on and that, you know, all the, the very real kind of Facts on the ground and situation and emotions involved. And so I've been talking with folks kind of sporadically while then, and I had a really good talk last night that I think I journaled about.

I'm not, Yeah, I think I did shoot, I don't know now. But he had some good words to share about my vocation. And he did say that, you know, one thing that he noticed that was very different from with this trip from many others that he'd done with C P T is that the processing time was almost nonexistent.

And maybe that's a factor of, of Greg's. You know, urgency or you know, whatever. Cause I'm assuming he is paid for some of this out of pocket. I think he's paid some portion of Cliff Weldon and Shane's ticket, though I'm not sure. So I can kind of understand that. I certainly don't know what it's like to write a book and, you know, all that stuff.

Trying to remain respectful of that, but at the same time, trying to be honest and open about how I feel about how things are unfolding. And last night in the discussion about forgiveness at the dinner table was really, you know, I felt personally insulting. I was, I was insulted. I didn't share this with Greg and I haven't, but , I did try and I did try and express that to Shane and Weldon and Shane especially had some really good things to say that I'm hoping not to forget, and it's really windy, so I hope this is, this is intelligible.

Despite the wind, cause I'm on the top of a big hill that has a really awesome view. So Shane and I went out to coffee and my place was close. We walked back towards an effort. Tian passed it to go to his place. In that time, we talked a lot about Cent's Guild and that, that's always been something that's really grounding for me, especially with Zach and Kyle there and James.

So the . He and I, one thing that, and I, I, I think I, I did a good job in expressing myself to him without reacting, trying to, just sharing my feelings, but being honest, you know, about how it made me feel and but trying to be respectful for everything. And so the The talk with him was really good.

I think I really needed it. And one thing he said that I'll I'll remember probably for a very long time. Is he said, I think that you can celebr both celebrate and challenge the the almost but not quite yet element of reconciliation that did occur. I think it certainly was something that it certainly was, there was some reconciliation. I mean, eh, I, I don't know that I would jump on board completely and say that reconciliation occurred, but some form of, of coming together, and, and communion did definitely occur and I, I'm glad that everybody had really good experience with that. My own.

Personal experience was very different. I mean, I was, I felt like I was told explicitly do not attempt to reconcile. And then to hear Greg say, Well, oh, yay, you know, reconciliation happened was very painful for me to hear. To the point where I, I really, and I told Shane this too, like, I don't know if I can put my name on something.

Like that, a statement or a, a position like that, that doesn't take everything into account. And if, if my, if my experience isn't taken into account, which it, it does, you know, it's not a focus of the book and I can totally understand that. If it isn't, then I just don't know if I feel comfortable putting my name.

On it, you know, But as, as from a position of peacemaking as well, I just don't think that that was, I don't think that was peacemaking. I think that was a reunion. I think that was a very heartfelt, very genuine human connection between people of very different backgrounds, which we need to be having more of.

But as far as peacemaking, I, I don't know. I just didn't see that. . So, but I, I do, I do feel that Shane had some really good things to say that I, I really hope I don't forget. And he, he supported me. He said, you know, if you really do have to be careful with what you kind of associate with and I do think this will be a very powerful story, but I also think it's, it's kind of hyping the way I understand Greg is perceiving it, and this may be because it's in the.

You know you know, it's in the younger stages. The way it seems to be hyped up right now, I just, I don't feel on board with for the reason I, I outlined in my last audio journal, like the gospels are, you know, they include joy absolutely, but they also include a lot of grief and a lot of pain. And I don't know, maybe I'll get a better idea when I get the opportunity to read the Gospel, Father Joe.

But right now I just think. We could have done so much more. And I think that some of the me other members feel that way, but also still respect, look, you know, circumstances just weren't right. And as for Sammy, I, I mean, he really is putting himself at a significant risk, associating so closely and so repetitively with Americans.

And so I, I, I'm. You know, the last thing I wanna do is to say, Well, you know, you could have done a better job. Cause that's not how I feel. But I mean the thing that kept going through my head and, and what I shared with Welder Welden, I think was that it kind of felt like fear one the day, you know, we were very hesitant, very cautious, lots of security.

Some of it planned, some of it unplanned. But to me the battle was a loss. I mean, the broader war. Of, you know, this non-violent, you know, war that this spiritual warfare, I guess whatever you want to call it, I mean, it's certainly ongoing and this is just one battle of many. But I kind of felt there was a loss.

I mean, we did not get, we took a couple of steps forward, but in my mind there were so many steps that we very easily could have taken, or I shouldn't say easily, but there were many steps. I thought could have occurred without as much risk as was being. As we assume there was, I mean, my understanding of the security forces was just that they were excited to have something to do.

And that's talking from a US military standpoint. It's talking from my experience dealing with Iraq police forces, and I mean, I think of Pedro who's saying, I'm sorry, who's saying? And, and the, the other SWAT guy at the, at the. Gate to Rupa, like they totally picked up the American swagger. And I was talking to many people about how I think that's much more dangerous than, you know, than us staying.

It's our influence of that, the, the casual arrogance that the Rockies are learning and that the infrastructure is now infused with, with Iraqi Americans in the. in the institutional framework. Somebody said was the mayor. No, it couldn't have been the mayor. It was somebody though. They said, you know, if you look at all of the, the governor positions, they've, they, they were all gone from Iraq for more than a decade.

And here are all these, you know, grassroots level, Iraqs being kept based I don't know if I should say kept, but not in office. That would have the trust of many people. It's like William Polk said in Understanding the Rock it, it's occurring from the top down. It's being opposed on not encouraged.

And it's going from the top down as opposed to the bottom up. So anyway, kinda went on a tangent, but I'm still really processing a lot. I think. I expected the experience to be painful, but for a totally different reason. I thought that the, that I would have another kind of Palestine experience or Hadron experience.

And I realized out here that, you know, you only really learn that stuff once, you know, you only have that experience like, Oh my God, what, what heck did I do one time? And then, you know, and I think that's why I was so amazed, Like, that's why I was disappointed because, you know, I'd heard all this stuff.

I know everything that they're saying. You know, everything that Sammy said about soldiers, everything that you know, the Rupa. Towns folks said about soldiers. I know this and I, but it, it, and I wrote this in my journal, I cannot stand to think that people believe the, that atrocities are the only stories that soldiers have to share.

And I wanna share the stories. Which have, in my mind, much more significance and much more power to transform than the atrocious acts of a relative minority. I'm, you know, I'm, I'm not about saying that the military is, you know, the arbiter of, of, of ethics and morals, but I mean, it's not inherent, you know, it is not necessarily inherently, you know, whatever evil it just is.

I mean, it's an institution. It is what we make it, and if we can make it better military wherein it is easy to be good. And not easy to be bad or evil. I think that's a good starting point. And I, I think that's why I put in, in my thing to croc, like it's about, you know, if we really want to build peace, it begins, it begins with restraining war.

And that necessarily includes the Aries are developed nations if we're not doing enough to. Provide this framework that soldiers can fall back and say, Look, this is not right. I cannot do this. And instead we have a a, a system that says, This isn't right, but you do it and, and you're doing it for your own protection or for freedom, or for all these bullshit catch phrases that's, there's something wrong with that.

And that's what I'm about fixing and talking with Shane and talking with Weld, really helping me remember, like, you know, right now my, my greatest impact really is America. I, I hope and pray that someday I can come back and be a part, you know, a, a peripheral, a marginal part of an organic Iraq rediscover and, and reinvigoration.

But I think, you know, the time is not right, right now, and it was just kind of a hard lesson to learn. But I think I'm learning it slowly but surely. So, yeah, at some point I'll talk to Greg. I, I still don't know how I feel. I think I just need to watch and see how the conversation develop and what kind of direction he takes it.

But I dunno, I just felt insulted wasn't Greg and I, and I actually believe he did everything he could to avoid that impression. But at the same time, like I, I really don't feel like I was heard at all. So I know I, I think we'll see where things develop, but he's getting long enough and thank God I'm still recording

All right. More later.