20100305-1437 🔈

AI-generated transcript:

It is March 5th, 2010 at 2:37 PM I'm at home right now. I just wanted to kind of journal my thoughts. I, I recently publicized my journals from Rutba and my audio journals on Flicker, and I also asked Greg about an email that I sent to Sami. Sami had sent an email to me, CC'd with a bunch of people.

One of them taught his son. And and then I, I responded, Thanks. I, you know, be sure to get in touch with him, which I should still do. And I asked him, you know, I've, I've been trying to kind of take this experience home with me and I I wanted to kind of get your impressions on a couple. Thoughts and ideas I had is, is that okay?

And he is like, Yeah, sure. I'm, you know, I appreciate the trust. So I sent him an email back and I had said which I'm sure I have a copy on my computer on Gmail, but I, I tried to express in as many words how the experience impacted me and how the, the, the school was a really important. Particular experience there and how the, the young boy who had lost his, his father was something that really kind of took me to heart or I, I took to heart and how I wanted to possibly write a letter in Arabic in my own handwriting to the boy and maybe the principal.

And in there I had said, you know, I, I, it's, we do share something in common and that we lost someone. And I was real clear like, Look, you know my, there's someone that was stolen, that was taken from me, was not stolen. I just allowed I allowed myself to lose, you know, I was making the case that, you know, I lost myself.

And we both the boy and his brother and I, and any, you know, combat veteran who gives a shit about their contents has we each have a lifetime of repair to undergo. And that. . Yeah. And I tried to, I mean, I'm totally aware of the ingrained assumption that, you know, how, how can you compare, you know, you going to combat with losing, you know, one's parent to, you know, combat.

And I don't know, I thought I, I, I did what I could to kind of, you know, articulate, like I'm, I'm aware of that and hopefully there. , you know, there is some common ground and I think there is, I think there always this common ground between people. And Sammy, I haven't heard back from him yet. I asked him if he would be willing to, you know translate it or, or just to make sure that it's accurate.

And and I said, you know, I'm sure it's probably lot to ask, but you know, I may need to, I may ask you to hand deliver that and just kind of think. I haven't heard back from him. So with the journals that I published, I sent first an email to Greg because I was relatively unhappy with how things turned out, and I felt of all the people that were there, he deserved to, to know first.

And I told him, Look, I haven't given these to Sammy yet. And Greg responded and he's, he said he is gonna be sure to include to, he asked if he could include them in the book. Of course. I think that was his first question. and then I sent him the email that I had sent to Sam. I said, You know, I was wondering if, you know, you probably know Sam more, and I was wondering if, you know, maybe there's something I'm, I went too far in, or, or what you know, just kind of going on the idea that you've known him for longer and, you know, I, you know, I'm hoping I didn't say anything inappropriate or whatever, and Greg responded.

And this was, I just sent these last night, so it's not like this is forever, but Sammy, I still haven't heard back from, from the original email. And he's like, Yeah, you know, it, it would definitely be really difficult for him to hand deliver, blah, blah, blah, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm kind of going on, on a limb here, but I su suspect that, you know, I may, there's, it may be difficult for him to kind of accept the analogy, and I didn't know this, but he said Sammy lost his mother.

in, I think oh three now. I can't remember when he said, But anyway, so I mean, of course there's, there's significant amounts of emotion there and I, I knew that going into it now. I didn't know the details, but of course I'd be stupid not to. And I recognize that there is some, obviously some emotional kind of anxiety or there was when you know, when I was there you know, with Sammy

I'm, you know, I still feel the same way as what I'd probably articulated in the journals. Probably not as reactively, but I mean, I still basically feel the same. And that is, you know, if, if, if we're going to exercise this license to anger and grief you know, I wonder if that license ever expires.

I mean, how long are we really gonna kind of hang onto? and not necessarily in a way that, Oh, we're gonna forget the person or forget the events. I don't, I don't have any desires to forget even what I was, what I did in Iraq, which was comparatively benign. I mean, I never shot anybody. So I, you know, I felt the thing and I just, I read this, I don't know, I think before, right, right after class or something, and. I was just mostly thinking about it on my, on the moped back to the house, and I wanted to make sure I journaled my thoughts and you know, I, I've said it before and I, I'm, I really try and be as authentic about it as possible.

People have the right, the license to be angry. They have every, nobody should or can. I don't think steal that from them. And I'm very, Treading a very thin line between stating what I think is a, you know, true or, Yeah, I dunno, stating what I understand my, what I understand the circumstances to be and the philosophical assumption behind it.

But that the other side of that is, is the unintended effect of making, having people believe that I'm like making them feel guilty for being angry. And that was the case with Samiah. , She isn't a profess, you know, peacemaker or peace activist. I think, I don't remember specifically, but I think she, she would support, you know, active resistance of Rockies.

And I, I mean, again, I, I see the reason behind it, but particularly with people who make peace. You know, Sammy being the founder of Muslim peacemaker, and maybe there's some huge fundamental difference between Muslim peace making and Christian peace making. I don't know. Or, you know, I'm not aware of one, but that is kind of what it speaks to is I don't know, maybe I can't comment, I don't think I can comment on Muslim peace making.

But my understanding of Christian, the, the uniquely Christian imperative for peacemaking is that it is an imperative. You must do this in order to. Understood. In order to be recognized internally and externally by God, I think, or by the church as a child of God in only in those times in which you are making peace, not seeking peace, not enjoying peace, not you know, none of those, like it's a fight and you have to build something from nothing.

And so the Christian imperative. Is, is very difficult, like love your enemy exia. That isn't just, oh, flowers and sunshine and like I was saying in a rock puppies and sunshine. But that says, love your enemy and to kind of draw it out. Love your fucking wicked, vicious, poisonous enemy with all your wicked, venomous, poisonous heart that doesn't let the Christian off.

And so I, I don't think I'm holding Sammy to this standard, or I really hope I'm not. I'm using him as an avatar for what, what I would, I would hope would be the, the, the vocation of a peacemaker. But he, he has adopted that, that identity that he's adopted that term. But I don't know. , the, the modifier of being Muslim would affect that.

I, I just don't know, like maybe Muslim peacemaker is, you know, not throwing stones at an American soldier or an Israeli soldier. Maybe that is what it is to be Muslim pe peacemaker. And in that sense, he is succeeding enormously. Like I, I, I didn't really get a chance to talk to him, I don't think on a, on a deep personal level or even really a personal level.

But I mean, he tolerated. I know the anger that exists. Nobody has to tell me. And he, he succeeded just incredibly in, in, you know, tolerating what I represent. He doesn't know me, I don't think particularly, you know, he doesn't know my unique circumstances. You know, some of the big ones, like I told him about CO and trying to go back to whatever, but I never told him the fact that I never shot at anybody.

That the source of pain is. Killing people. It's recognizing your capacity to kill, like Grossman says in in his book, on killing. Like there's certainly something else that happens once you take your first life, but that, that point at which you are susceptible to psychiatric or moral injury is not when you do it.

It's when you realize that you very easily could. And that's the position I find myself in. And so maybe that's where I don't I don't swallow the pill. , Well, you were an occupier and you're violent, and like, No, you don't know me. And that's why I told Samiah like, Okay, if, if, if that's what I am, tell me what, what events did I perpetuate in Iraq that, that warrant me, that label.

Like I didn't shoot at anybody. I got criticized for not shooting at people. I got criticized for criticizing my platoon sergeant for being overly aggressive during, you know, questioning people and stuff like that. , you don't know me. I mean, that's essentially what I was saying. But yeah, man, I, I don't know.

I'm really looking forward, well, not, not in a positive sense, but it needs to be wrestled with, I think of course, publicly. But I'm, I'm interested to hear Greg's reactions to my journals because they deal directly with him and. . And because I think I'm at a point now where I'm, I'm much more calm.

I've had some time to digest it, digest it. But I'm, I, you know, I'm, I didn't pull any punches in my journals, of course. I mean, I just reacted, but I don't know that I will either. Like, I still have some objection and I don't know what direction he's taken. So this all speculative at best, but I don't know what direction he's gonna take if he goes for reconciliation that yay reconciliation in the.

I'm going to kindly ask him to remove my name. Like, I, I still feel very strongly that that's not what happened. The story was a reunion. The story was awesome. Acts of grace and love and mercy between people, but it wasn't reconciliation. And I think that's a term that we need to protect because I like return.

El Salvador a perfect example. You know, the, the, the violence and the Civil War ended, but the injustice still occurred, and so does that deserve the term reconciliation? . I mean, I don't think that we are at the point of reconcili. I, I mean, I was one, I was a party to what? To the environment in which reconciliation is needed.

And I didn't feel it. And I don't think that the Iraqs did either. I don't think that, you know, Shane and Cliff and Peggy and Weldon represented the people with whom they need to reconcile. It wasn't reconciliation. And. I don't know how Greg's gonna take that. I don't know how Sammy would take that. I don't, I don't know if he has the same kind of understanding as Greg, or maybe to him it was just a reunion.

I don't know. I mean, I haven't been in touch with Sammy on a, on a, you know, personal level. But this is really fucking difficult for me, you know, in my position cuz I represent in my mind or I, I received. Scorn or guilt by association. And again, guilt by association is not always necessarily wrong.

I mean, I, I did, I was in the army. I, I could pie to sovereign country, but I don't know exactly what it would take to be reconciled to that internally and externally. Like I haven't figured out inside. I mean, I, I, I do what I can. And it doesn't seem as though people are actually very interested in external, you know, re.

With me about that, probably because it's still going on. I mean, we're still occupying the rock. But that is a very unique term that I think we need to respect and protect because we, we risk cheapening it to where, for example, I said return to El Salvador, Jamie's documentary that I watched last night.

If, like, I imagine the UN or the El Salvador. Government saying, Oh, that's reconciliation. Yay, the civil war's done. But all those people who are still being disappeared, who are still being oppressed and taken advantage of and everything else, they wouldn't call that reconciliation, I don't think. And that's the risk that we run from a service member's perspective.

We do need to reconcile possibly individually and possibly collectively with those countries that we're occupying, but that hasn't happen. That we are not at that point yet. And I don't think we should say we are, and I don't think we should even say that. Well, I, I don't know. I think we are moving that direction, but it's a real slow movement.

Maybe that's good. Maybe it's bad. I don't know. But this is getting to be 15 minutes, so I'm gonna cut myself off. But yeah, I'll probably try and continue to journal either audio or, or written as people begin to respond to my journals. But yeah, that's probably it for now.