20100113-1903 🔈

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It is Wednesday the 13th, January 13th, 2 20 10 at 7:00 PM Mon Jordan time just walked from the Nfer TD Hotel and I'm trying do a audio. During the last day and a half or so has this been really, really interesting. So Sammy showed up and Shane and Jamie both showed up. And yesterday after Sammy came in somewhere along the lines, Greg I think asked him you know, how, how do you feel about Logan?

What's, what can he disclose about his task or something? And Sammy replied, No, like, basically nothing. Don't, don't say anything and. Trying to get a little bit more guidance on, I spoke with Greg in the room later and his, in his what he took from it was, yeah, it's a definite no, that's, that's not that's not, not only not, you know, advertised, but if it comes up like, don't say it or, you know, that's kind of what I tried.

I think I understood from it. . And that was really, it was kind of difficult cause this was the first clear clear indication of what to expect or, you know, what I should, shouldn't, can cannot, you know, do. And it just kind of came late in the day. So I was trying to process it all. And then the, that evening, the We went to dinner with Sammy's friends, Lori or Lauren and, and Rick who were students at the American school.

and the, at dinner it went really well. I thought they were really great people and we got some awesome subjects. And the and I can't remember how it started, but at some point I realized that.

The at some point somebody asked, man, what was it? I think Greg had kind of, I was listening very, I was listening kind of outta the side of my ear of this conversation between Greg and Sammy. And Sammy kind of brought me into the conversation and I pretended not to hear it first, just cuz I don't know.

I just, I guess I wasn't ready for that conversation yet. And trying to figure out like where my story line kind of comes in or something, I, I can't remember what the hell it was. And a lot I don't. Remember a whole lot, but I do remember the word choice and you know, what did we do with this? And it was very, you know, sympathetic semi is a great guy.

Very understanding. But you know, he is a rocky, He's had direct you know, connections with a lot of this violence that's going on and you know, it's not fair. To expect him to just kind of be okay with that and everything. But anyway, so he used this word choice that, you know, I, I immediately thought of Sumaya and some of our conversations and had, they're very kind of, really kind of weird actually.

But anyway and and then Jamie asked something about healing and soldiers and, you know, how'd you go about this? and then his answer, Sammy got into, you know, stuff like Hadk and house raids and how soldiers had shitted in, in a Quran and, you know, all this stuff. And I, I was listening intently at this point because I, I, you know, I responded to something before he went into this and before Jamie asked this question, and I never took my eyes off him.

and as he is saying all these different, you know, atrocities of varying levels he never looked at me. And it, you know, it seemed to convey to, it conveyed to me that he was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. And quite possibly uncomfortable with me and not knowing a whole lot. But I mean, you know, to his credit, I mean, no matter what it is he was thinking or what he may have thought about what my past was he was still very receptive in everything.

But the, the, the, the. The, the series of things about what soldiers have done was really difficult for me to listen to. Cuz you know, it breaks my heart, it breaks anybody starts to, has one. But you know, he never mentioned stuff like, I guess gui, who went through a rock without loading his weapon, who or the, you know, the other stories of people that are risking their lives and risking prison time to avoid, you know, being a part of all this shit in Iraq.

And when I got back to the, so that was really upsetting and, and very immediate. And what went through my head was, you know, what, what's left for, you know For someone in my position to do, like, I'm, I very much want to rectify what's been done. I want to stop this, this dependency on war and combat and you know, this, you know, hing up soldier and everything, but am I discluded from these conversations and.

And this works simply because people think I made this choice to, you know, And that's the same thing I was talking about with Sumaya. Like can you really say someone has a choice in that matter? Like if we have a choice, We should have a ch a choice to get out and it should not be difficult at all, but we don't and I've been about lately is there's a very wide gap between coercion and choice, and it's filled with shades of gray.

One thing that made me think of is this Palestinian situation. You know, the Israelis are doing all these horrible acts and publicly trying to do everything short of just massacre the Palestinians all in this attempt to get them to leave voluntarily so that they can say, Well, you chose to leave. And so I, I'm, I'm very troubled by this idea that of this, of this image, of this all volunteer force.

When I, I just don't buy into it. I, I don't think it's by choice. And so I was telling the group, and I could tell Peggy was a little, a little like, weirded out by it, but I said, Look, I mean, it may, may trouble you, but I'm in favor. Of a draft. But it can only be in the presence of a robust alternative service.

But I think we need to have a draft so that we can't use this, we this semantic weapon of, of, of, of this idea of choice. And usually as a bludgeon against soldiers who have a crystallization of conscience, like damned if you do, damned if you don't. You're damned if you get in and, and even if you want to get out, but you're damned if you don't because I mean, let's be honest, the money opens fucking doors.

I wouldn't be going to college right now if I hadn't joined the military.

So, I mean, it's, it's a shitty fucking position to be in. And as I thought about it, I thought of in my, my collar tattoo from Luke 18, and I realized the Republicans plea is one that's very much similar to mine. The tax collector knew every bit of, you know, he, he knew what it worked, what it was to have to work for Empire to eek out in existence.

And here it is, his own, you know, his own people. This Pius Pharisees is sitting there saying, Thank you for making me not like him. I mean, thank God I, you know, I don't have his problem. , but I'm not stealing from my own people without recognizing, you know, why he might feel forced him to doing that.

But regardless, all he could do was cry to God for mercy. And part of it to me kind of felt like, man, if he, if peacemaker like Sammy, if, if he's not the only one or if the field itself is, is not receptive or not engaging military members, especially those who have dissented. I mean, are we, are we just spinning our wheels are.

I don't know. So today Sammy and I talked in the taxi fi and it was really difficult to finally approach him again and say, Hey, you know, do you want to, you know, I figure this out. Because after the dinner I went to I went to Cliff and Peggy and I, I asked them if they, they could do check-ins.

Cause I was, I was really. Really upset. I, I wrote in my journal I wrote afterwards, but yeah, I was really upset. Like one of the things that went through my mind is, Do I, You know, if also what he's saying is, is or, or, I think what I took from it is that if, if Sammy is, is still so visibly disturbed by everything that's going on, and rightfully so, you know, how much more so are people who are still living there and, you know, actively day to day, how much more so are they gonna be upset and uninterested in entertaining?

Any idea of, of, of welcoming, you know, a former. And, you know, this is exactly what I was afraid of before I came in. I just, I don't know. I thought you know, let's see. So you know, I told Peggy and Cliff, you know, I think what what really gets to me is that, you know, When I began to think about some of the stuff Samiah was saying and remembering some of the suicidal stuff I was going through.

Well, I don't wanna say like, I never thought, I never considered suicide, but I wondered if it was, if my life was worth living. I mean, considering what, you know, what I was a part of, Like it part of the system that took so many lives and that here I am living in comfort and, and luxury, you know? Yeah. It just felt dirty.

Some of the, the things that they both said in and left unsaid kind of, you know, reminded me of that. And so it's, it's real difficult for me to, you know, understand what my place is on this trip. And just in general, like, am I gonna continue to kind of be kept at a distance because of my history that I've quite clearly and quite vocally repented of?

But more importantly on like a, a macro scale, like what I told Cliff and Peggy, you know, to, to some degree, every human has a right to feel upset and and they don't have any obligation to resolve it. You know, absolutely none. They can continue to be upset and they continue to want to keep distance and nobody can say anything.

But as a. as a Christian, I, I feel like we are called to undo that. I mean, it sucks to be a Christian because you have a higher standard, like we are called to not only our own redemption, but that of, of the whole world. And so, you know, in that sense, you know, that anger and those, that frustration, it is just simply not going to change anything.

And I told him about Nate and his comment about living a nice, quiet life and, and how, I just don't think that's what a Christian is called. I mean, the, the case can be made. There's many different ways to have, you know, a genuine Christian life. But in my mind, part of that for me is not turning my, you know, turning from what went on and just being like, Well, I just have to, you know, put it behind me.

I think there's, as painful as it was for me and for many others, I think that pain can be used for very productive ends for redemptive and. And that's, yeah. So so this morning I talked to Greg again and I, I continued to feel com very, very misunderstood. I felt as though I was being I, I felt like Greg believed I, I was, you know, it's all about me.

The me complex thing. Because I, I said, you know, if I'm. For some reason for me to go in and just sit and listen and leave, it just seems like it only benefits myself and in that in my mind, you know, A plus B means that's selfish. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. But yeah, regardless that's what goes through my head.

Like it would be very difficult for me to justify in my own mind. Going in being very quiet or making up a story or, or just not telling people what went on or, or knowing specifically, I cannot tell people and you know, coming back in and writing about it on some journals or whatever, like I would feel kind of.

disturbed if I wasn't a dynamic piece of, of, of what's going on around me. Not necessarily this story or the other story, but the you know, just being me. Like I worried about how hard my heart could become if, if I, you know, find myself listening to these stories and, and thinking, Nope, don't cry, don't fucking cry.

Don't, don't show emotion cuz then somebody will ask you. So I felt very much like damned if you do, damn, if you don't, there's a shitty fucking position to be in. In the end, I, in my talk with Greg, I don't know that I ever really conveyed myself or, or not. And I think there's just certain things that Greg doesn't grasp about, maybe just me.

And, you know, that's, of course that's, that's a given. So anyway this morning or yeah, just earlier today, Sammy and I finally got to talking and I, you know, I did, I didn't know what the fuck to say, so I went over kind of my history and talked a little bit about a rock, but then also about my co process.

And I told him I tried to be as clear as I could. Like, I don't know why the fuck I'm here. I really don. I'm not looking for anything. There's no plan in my head about, you know, confessing. I don't know where Greg is getting this idea. I told him about Winter Soldier and how I felt it was just, I, I don't know.

It did not work for me to like, confess to the whole world through cameras and somehow feel better like that to me. Just that's just verbal vomit. Like what does that solve? And any, listen. And he, he thought I think he suggested for a moment what we can do for you is to set you up with the host family for a little while.

And it, it seemed to me like he was saying for a day or two while, while other folks are doing something at the hospital, I don't know. And I, I, I didn't cut 'em off, but I, I reminded him like, I don't want anybody go above and beyond for me. I don't want special treatment. I don't want to make anybody have to, you know, figure out any more logistics.

Like, I'm fine just shutting up and listening, but I just need to know for my own wellbeing, like, What is it? What, what, what about me or about? I mean, I can understand on a certain level, but you know, I, I really don't understand. I, I can't, I'm not a rocky. I, I've never been occupied. I told him about Palestine and how that was a glimpse of it, but, you know, I don't know.

And that makes me very nervous. Like I don't wanna endanger anybody. But you know, if, if I'm sitting in, in one of these settings and, and somebody conveys a story that, you know, I'm, I'm just not able to contain my motions. Everybody looks around like, what is the, what's this guy doing? Why is he i'll bent outta shape?

So I don't that we resolved anything, but Sammy does know a little bit more about where I'm coming from. He was very receptive to, you know, helping me, which I thought was, you know, really going above and beyond. But I, I don't want it to be the fuck about me. Like, that's not why I fucking came. And I don't know, I think I'm super sensitive to the selfish thing because I'm so appalled by it coming from Orange County and, and everything else.

But you know, maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. That's what Greg said. He said, You know, it's not selfish and it's not selfless. I mean, Yeah, it was kinda hard to fall. Cause at one point he, he did say that not going would be selfish or vice versa. I can't remember. Yeah, I'm definitely thinking about it too much.

But Yeah, I'm not any closer to understanding my part here than I was four months ago or whenever it was. And it's good to hear from Peggy and Cliff because they kind of get that deeper meaning to things and. They're very much interested. You know, they're very much considerate of, of God's spirit.

And, and now sometimes, you know, maybe, maybe we don't know, maybe we aren't aware, but you know, the Holy Spirit is alive. And I feel uncomfortable kind of saying that because of my dissatisfaction with the church at the moment. But at the same time, I think that's what it is. Like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here, but all of.

Seeming coincidences kind of lined up and I just kind of went and things worked out. I mean, the timing, the money,

but.

I think Greg has a really good point that I'm thinking about it way too much. Maybe I should just go and be, you know, just be myself, be aware of how my history may be very offensive and painful to people and be sensitive to that. But just be myself. Just be there, be in the moment, you know, I didn't take my computer and all that stuff for, for a reason, so maybe I should just take advantage of, of it, you know, I've come this far cetera, et cetera.

So Yeah, but I don't wanna keep talking people's ears off about it. And it came up at dinner again and it came up in the in the embassy. And I just wanna stop fucking talking about me. And so that's why an audio journal helps because nobody has to listen to it, but me

and this cat keeps yelling. What do you want, Kitty? I'm very sorry. I don't know how to help you. They're very cute and I wish I could take you back to the. All right. I'm, I'm gonna first up on this and maybe do some more later.