20100117-1823 🔈

AI generated transcript:

It's 6 23, January 17th, 2010 at at 18 6:23 PM And Rupa. Sammy just got back from Samir's house and when he left I'd remind him that I'd really like to talk to the principal. I really had felt connected to, in some way the, the work there and wanted to plug in. I just journal on Jamie's camera and So he finally came back and the first thing he said was, Oh, you know, I don't think we can go.

Cuz if you go before the afternoon prayers it's too early. If you go after them, it's too late and you have to have dinner. And just the conversation that he had with us. In the principal's office heading out to the schoolyard made it. I don't know. I was, my impression was that he just didn't want to do it.

And so here we are. We've sat in the HO hospital basically every waking hour, worth the exception of the school and the Mayer's office, which is across the street. And on the way back from the school, we went briefly to the clinic and there was some mention of the marketplace. , when I think about some of the things you said about being transparent before we left, about just in general not staying the same place for two nights in a row.

It's just been really inconsistent and it's kind of frustrating, you know, just even as just a, somebody who's tagging along. But the, the tea that I, that I had hoped to have, have with the principal you know, now, I guess basically impossible because of whatever reason. And it, I, as far as I can tell, it's mostly up to Sammy and his reasoning is, you know, X, Y, Z.

My impression was that he just didn't want anybody to go. And I, it's, I know it's not me particularly, but I don't think he wants any risks or something with people finding out or fucking whatever. And quite frankly, I'm really kind of getting tired of getting different stories each time something's brought up.

and just in general, how I feel right now is pretty fucking disgusted. That for 72 hours I've basically been you know, kind of a metaphorical punching bag for people granted unknowingly dumping everything that's going on. And Sammy talking about all the atrocities and everyth. Like what fucking good is that?

This is the exact reason why I mentioned maybe I shouldn't fucking be going. Not as something like I'm pouting or something selfish for not going. Like, what the fuck do I have to fucking show for my time here, other than, yeah, it's exactly the way I fucking feared. not a single fucking thing that I've come in contact with, has some kind of redemptive value.

That's great that they were helped and it's, I mean, it's ironic that everybody's been saying this, just the way people are here and that's awesome. I think we need to share those stories. But on the part of the Iraqs, nothing, you know, it's business as usual. Sammy's an Iraq American. I know he is very angry at.

The things that Americans have done, I'm angry. But for someone who is the founder of the Muslim peacemaker teams and who shuttles around peacemakers, talking about pacifism and overcoming hatred what, what the fuck? Business as usual, my ass.

I'm quite upset that like, I mean this is exactly the same thing Sumaya said. This is to be expected of, of you know, just whatever. Like this is normal. I don't fucking want normal and I don't think Christian peacemaking or Muslim peace making should want normal, should want common everyday reactions and hatred and anger and everything.

I mean, the story's about this generation of, of children growing up angry. Who the fuck is there to, to give them hope? Dr. Nzi himself is like, We'll never be fully operational again. And as much as I'm fully aware of white hegemony and privilege, why the fuck does it take white Americans coming in saying, No, we can do something.

Why the, Why does it take us to do any to do this? Why? Why? Why is there not an organic Iraqi? Effort to overcome the deep emotional pain that is now ingrained in Iraq society towards America and Israel. And most of you know, all of this is very granted or very justifiable. I'm not in any way expecting to, you know, a.

but I had every license to shoot anybody that I wanted in Iraq and I didn't take it. So I have less respect for those people who have a license and take it than I do the those who have a license and do not take advantage of, of the situation as it exists. and for my position, hearing these stories in great people.

But if, if, if I hope something can change and all I do is brewed about the past, what the fuck man? What the fuck is anybody supposed to do with that?

I just feel like this last several days for me has been a waste. and I, I hate that I, that I would leave on this note, but like,

wtf, what do I have to go on?

This has been a one way conversation, and that has been the thing that I don't think has any real value to me. I would give back the thousand dollars. that my church raised to bring me here. If I had known ahead of time that nothing would have changed, I don't think that my story, bringing it back for Americans is really, I mean, that to me re represents the same one way conversation.

Iraq's Americans don't talk to one another unless we get to maintain the license to be angry until we see.

I'm just not convinced that anything that I've seen is outta the ordinary.

I don't know that anything's gonna fucking change.

And quite honestly, I have the right to be upset just as everybody else does. And maybe this time I take, I, I take advantage of my license.

Man, I think it's gonna take a long time to find something of real value in this experience. I mean, I didn't learn anything new. Everything that I heard here, I heard in Israel or Palestine,

the story hasn't changed. Except this time I didn't get to speak with real people and I didn't get the opportunity to find that diamond in the rough that that believes in, for example, one state solution.

So I guess we just sit back and wait, wait for something to change.

I don't even know what the fuck was saying, man.

Just went on a $1,000 fucking field trip. Well, more than that.

I should probably could have stopped this. I just, I dunno.