20100118-2010 🔈
AI generated transcript:
It is 10 10 Amon Jordan time, January 18th, 2010. Today has been so I wrote a, a bit of a journal. I wasn't really excited about writing, so I didn't write all that well, but The situation right now is basically that that's gonna be too hard. The situation is, as I see it, at least, which is maybe the only thing that matters to me, most importantly. The stories, the life of its own or the, the book or whatever.
I tried to talk to Jamie about it briefly. That didn't really work. I tried to I brought, so some of the, the ways in which I feel like I'm kind of being.
Disregarded, I guess. The so anyway, my journal for my journal entry, I just kind of talked about the, the, the basics of today and almost getting hit and stuff like that, and really kind of pissed off. I went out to the coffee shop, Vista Cafe and as soon as I get there, my phone dies, so I don't get to check email or get on Skype.
Anything like that, but it, I've already ordered my coffee, so I wait for the hail to stop and I finally walked back and then Robin and I had a good talk. I told him about how, I've just been kind of upset about everything's been turning out and. The fact that I was actively told not to say anything, and the talk with him was really good and it really picked me up. And then we go down to dinner and it's the second time that Greg has brought up this thing about forgiveness, about how people of Rupa have forgiven. And I was just thinking to myself like, what is it that they did that needed to be forgiven? I was really kind of taken aback because that's what he, that's what Greg thought I was going for, and now he's, he's kind of redirecting that, that I don't know, whatever onto the group itself. And, you know, the, the reunion.
and welding kind of said the same thing. Like it really was. It, you know, it wasn't about reconciliation, it was just a reunion. There was no, you, there's no wrong done between the parties that, you know, blah, blah, blah. And, and I, and you know, so he said this, and this kind of shut me down during dinner and I I talked to, I asked Peggy saying like, Did you hear that too?
Like, am I not getting something? And Peggy said you know, yeah. You know, it's about being heard and reconciliation and forgiveness and everything that she said. I felt like, like in my chopped liver. I don't know. I, I have no fucking idea what to think, what to feel, but it just, I mean, it's, it's surreal.
I am like, I feel insulted by how it. Like suddenly taking on some kind of error reconciliation and is exactly what they said was too fucking dangerous. Like, I feel like that story, if that is, you know, part of the, this root gospel of roof, I feel like it's a lie because reconciliation did not happen.
Sammy and everybody else said, do not say anything. Do not attempt to reconcile. And here Greg is talking about, oh, puppies and sunshine. Like, are you fucking kidding me? I don't wanna keep welding up and talk to him about it, but fucking shit, man. It is incredibly insulting
and I don't know, I, I, I don't even feel like I can fucking talk to Greg. He is on a narrow tunnel path. This is the fucking story and this is how it's going to go. And this is, these are the questions that I need to make sure answered, blah, blah, blah. And oh, thank God there's gonna be a documentary too, because X, Y, Z, I don't know, whatever his reason is, but it's clear that he's excited about it.
And I just wanna wipe my hands up anything that has anything to do with reconciliation in this book. And so I found myself wanting to talk to Greg and say, Look, I don't know what the hell's going. . But please don't put my name in print anywhere. I mean, you can, People are gonna know that I was there with the documentary and the pictures and everything, but don't put my name in the book, please.
This is not something I feel I can put my name on. It has less to do with me than, Well, fuck it, Screw it. I don't give a shit. Who, what the fuck it has to do. It is a lie to think that reconciliation fucking happened while I was being told over and fucking over again. Do not attempt to reconcile. Do not attempt to be open and honest.
I and these, the exact fucking same words that are coming out of Greg's mouth to describe what actually occurred. Somehow I am befuddled. I'm I, I'm completely fucking a. I don't wanna go to sleep. I don't wanna fucking talk to anybody. I don't wanna say goodbyes. I just wanna go the fuck home and forget this fucking experience.
I'm sick and fucking tired of being told that look, peace is just too dangerous. Active reconciliation, peace making, peace building as opposed to peace, enjoying and loving and, and puppies and sunshine is not okay. I'm fucking sorry, but the branding of the Gospel for Greg series is. In each and every fucking gospel that we have, including NATA gospels, Jesus fucking dies.
He is killed by empire, and 11 of the 12 messengers or or carriers of that message were killed as well. One of and the last one, or one of them by his own hand, and the last one was they had tried to kill him apparently several times.
And what he thinks he saw in Rupa is reconciliation. That's a fucking joke. I am not okay being a part of that story because to me, that represents a fabrication, a fancy, elaborate glorification of something that didn't even happen. I, I cannot be a part of that. That includes the documentary, so fucking be it.
I'm not, I can't be a part of that.
And I would like to think, of course, I don't know for sure because it is me, but I'd like to think that regardless of what Combat Veteran was involved, I would be saying the same thing. I don't think it's okay to tell someone, Don't say something, don't reconcile. We reconciled puppies and sunshine. Hope sells.
Grief doesn't.
I don't know if that's enough to get me to sleep, but I hope it is cause I'm gonna, I'm gonna cut this journal short. I don't know if I'll get to have the strength to actually talk to Greg about this, but this is, I am beside myself.
